The Walrus and the Warwolf

Planet Stories: The Walrus & The Warwolf by Hugh Cook

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Swordsmith's apprentice Drake Douay is sentenced to death by drowning for vandalism and destruction of property. As Drake is swimming back to shore, he chances upon Zanya, a red skinned, red haired beauty, and decides he'll do anything to get into her knickers. Can two ships of pirates, revolution, and all manner of disgusting monsters stop Drake from being reunited with Zanya and giving her the rogering of a lifetime?



Drake Douay is a lying, cowardly, slimy, drunken fornicator. And I love him! This is one of the easier books I've ever had to rate.



The Walrus & the Warwolf isn't your typical fantasy. Drake Douay is no Harry Potter or Frodo Baggins, that's for sure. Drake's a follower of the Demon God Hagon and worships accordingly: drinking and fornicating. His sister is a temple whore so he gets a good rate. Yes, incest is played for laughs in this story. Not only is Drake a scoundrel, he remains true to his lying cowardly self for the entirety of the book. The lies just keep coming and Drake gets into bigger and bigger trouble.



The Walrus and The Warwolf are the names of two pirate ships and the nicknames of the captains that sail upon them. The captains are well rounded and hilarious. Some of the pirate dialogue was so rough that it almost offended me. You have to love a story where one of the milder insults used by the characters is "octopus rapist." The supporting cast is also full of gems, like King Tor, and Muck, a man who's syphilis caused him to start his own flame-worshipping religion.



The world of TW&TW is one of fantasy and little understood technology of a lost age. While some of it is serious, like teleportation gates and a flying ship, I laughed hard when one of the pirates smashed a Rubik's Cube in disgust.



The story is equal parts pulp fantasy and humor. The tone is full of dry wit and reminds me of Michael Moorcock's Dancers at the End of Time at times, as well as Glorianna, also by the esteemed Mr. Moorcock.



This was the easiest five I ever stuck on a book. If you like fantasy, British humor, pirates, or really offensive language, this is for you. If you don't, buy it anyway. God knows you don't have enough books with the word Walrus in the title...



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The Child Thief

The Child Thief by Brom

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


A runaway named Nick is fleeing the wrath of a drug dealer when he runs into an odd boy named Peter. Peter saves Nick and takes him to Avalon, recruiting him into gang of nearly feral boys called The Devils. With Nick's help, can the Devils overcome the Flesh Eaters, the transformed men who defile and destroy Avalon?



I picked this up because I'm interested in the unsanitized versions of familiar fairy tales. It turns out Brom is, too. Like a lot of people, I was familiar with Brom's art when I picked this up. It turns out he can write, too.



The Child Thief is one hell of a grim retelling of Peter Pan. He's not prancing pixie in this, that's for sure. Peter is an amoral hero for the most part, as are the Sidhe, much more like Michael Moorcock's Melniboneans than Tolkien's elves. The Devils are more like the kids from Lord of the Flies than how the Lost Boys are normally depicted. For much of the book, two stories are told in parallel. One of Peter's birth and early days in Avalon, trying to fit in with Modron and the Sidhe, and one of Nick trying to fit in with the Devils.



I didn't think the writing would be as good as it was since Brom is normally known as an artist. His prose is much better than I expected and the characters are well developed. I was particularly impressed with Peter and The Captain. You know the captain I mean...



If you like your fantasy dark, this is your book. It should appeal to fans of Neil Gaiman and Tim Burton alike. Now go out and get it!



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Earth Abides

Earth Abides by George R. Stewart

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Men go and come but the earth abides.



I picked up Earth Abides because it was one of the inspirations for Stephen King's The Stand and because I've been in a post-apocalyptic mood lately. Earth Abides didn't disappoint.



It grabs you from the start. Isherwood Williams (Ish), gets bitten on the hand by a rattlesnake just after discovering an old hammer in the desert. After days of suffering from the rattler's bite, Ish wakes up and no one else is around. The beginning reminded me a little of Day of the Triffids but since this one was written first I couldn't complain.



At least a third of the world's population was wiped out by a plague. Ish theorizes that the venom in his veins protected him but we never find out why he survived. The rest of the book consists of Ish travelling across the country and eventually founding a tribe and leading them in the struggle for survival, all the while wondering if his tribe will repeat the mistakes of the past.



To sum up, Earth Abides is a welcome addition to any post-apoc fan's bookshelf. If it's good enough for Stephen King, it's good enough for you.



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Soulless

Soulless by Gail Carriger

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


After Alexia Tarabotti commits a faux pas and accidentally kills a vampire at a party and falls under the eye of Lord Maccon, the Queen's investigator of the supernatural, she inadvertently gets involved in a plot involving werewolves, vampires, and deranged scientists. Will she be able to survive whatever is going on without suffering further embarrassment?



Normally, I'm so overflowing with sheer manliness that a book with this much pink on the cover would fall beneath my radar. It sounded interesting though. High society, werewolves, vampires, dirigibles, what's not to like?



Gail Carriger takes a fairly predictable plot and uses it to mine a rich vein of comedic gold. If Jane Austen and P.G. Wodehouse collaborated on a novel about werewolves and vampires, this would be it. The relationship of Lord Maccon and Alexia is straight out of every romantic comedy ever made and still comes off pretty funny. Alexia herself is by far one of the funnier characters I've come across recently, both in dialogue and in deed. Her friend, the flamboyantly gay vampire Lord Akeldama is worth the price of admission alone.



To sum up, while it has the distinctive taste of chick lit, Soulless was a pretty enjoyable read for those who like their humor to have a British flavor. And guys, it probably won't make a significant dip in your testosterone level to give it a read.



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Swan Song

Swan Song by Robert R. McCammon

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


What if the apocalypse that befell the poor souls in The Stand was nuclear instead of viral in nature and the whole thing was written in a style more like Richard Matheson's than Stephen King's? Well, you'd probably have Swan Song.



Comparisons with the Stand are inevitable. Both are about the survivors of an apocalyptic event and both have a devil type figure walking around stirring things up. Swan Song doesn't have that final battle between good and evil thing going like the Stand did, although some of the events could be interpreted as such.



Swan, the title character, starts off as a little girl who's strangely good with plants before the bombs drop. As the story unfolds, she's joined by Black Frankenstein, aka Josh Hutchins, a professional wrestler. They're wandering, looking for other survivors. Josh has been tasked with protecting Swan and does his best. The other main protagonist is a former homeless woman called Sister, who has a glass ring with unusual abilities. Their paths eventually cross with the Army of Excellence, led by Colonel Macklin, an unhinged Vietnam war hero, and Roland Croninger, a young millitary enthusiast caught up in playing soldier for real. Throw in crazies like Lord Alvin and the ever-present Man with Many Faces and you've got a winner on your hands.



I'll just come out and say it: This book held my interest more than the Stand did. The style was much more gripping and I got attached to Sister, Josh, and Swan. I almost let a tear escape my eye at the end but fought it back.



I'd recommend this book to anyone who liked the Stand and other post-apocalypic stories.



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The Magicians

The Magicians by Lev Grossman

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Quentin Coldwater is an unhappy teen, eyeing up an uncertain future in college. He's secretly in love with his friend Julia. Nothing else really matters to him except the Fillory and Further series of books he's loved since childhood. Imagine how he feels when a seamingly routine college interview drops an undiscovered Fillory book in his grasp and leads him to Brakebills, a college of wizardry, and worlds beyond...



First of all, this isn't Harry Potter for adults, no matter how much people want to slap that label on it. Although if you expanded that label to Harry Potter for cynical adults who've read Harry Potter and don't think it's the greatest series ever written, it would be more accurate. It has a superficial resemblance to Harry Potter in that both books involve learning to be a wizard. That's about it. Parts of it remind me of Stephen King's The Talisman, while others reminded me of Wizard of Earthsea.



In a nutshell, The Magicians depicts what would happen if regular people went to a college for wizards, complete with parties, sex, drugs, cursing, and making stupid choices. The characters make mistakes and act like normal people, not heroes. Quentin's never happy, not even in his relationship with Alice or his friendships with the other wizards.



One thing that stands out in The Magicians is the magic. It's not fake latin and waving wands around. It's taxing and has consequences and learning it is extremely difficult. One character's speculation that magic might be the tools left behind after the universe was created really sticks in my mind.



The back cover says it's a coming of age story. It is, and the moral of the story is Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.





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