Saturday, July 2, 2011

Buy a Book, Punch a Dude in the Face: The Rico Slade Interview

Today's guest is Rico Slade, star of Rico Slade will Fucking Kill You! and Rico Slade: Hero of the Octopus World.

Can you tell us about Bradley Sands’s pledge to donate his royalties to the ADA during the month of July for his book about you, Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You?
Bradley Sands didn’t pledge nothing. I convinced him to donate his royalties to the American Decency Association when I was all like, “Hey, dude, look what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t donate all your royalties to American Decency.” And then I launched into this massive mixed martial arts exhibition for like two hours and the dude pissed himself. Then I ended it by doing a back flip through his wall into his bathroom and then I took a monster shit. After all that, Bradley agreed with me that pornography and indecent media are the most evil shit attacking our society today and he promised to give away his royalties so American Decency could fight the power of evil.

How old were you when you first killed a man?
I was like negative something cause there was this scientist who pissed me off so I had to do some kung fu action on his ass. I was an embryo, bro. Grown in a lab to be the most kick ass dude in the world. They succeeded, but the scientist who I killed sorta missed out on his glory.

How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Two hours old. There was this hot scientist who was really into younger men. She was also there to nurse me. Had the sweetest tits in the secret underground lab. I swear they were filled with chocolate milk.

Who was the best f*ck you ever had?
I don’t know what the fuck a f*ck is? What’s with this star shit?

Is it true that you and Hulk Hogan once got into a brawl?
Yeah, but it wasn’t real. Just a promotional stunt to promote his movie, No Holds Barred. That movie freakin ruled. The Hulkster is my bro.

What happened when you met Sylvester Stallone?
I made fun of Rocky for only lasting 15 rounds against Apollo Creed instead of winning in the first movie. He cried and told me he was a total sell out and that he had fixed the match so Rocky wouldn’t win cause he wanted to win an Academy Award and movies with dudes who aren’t totally fucking lame never win that shit.

What's the story behind your meeting Pamela Anderson after the 1995 Royal Rumble?
We taped some post-Royal Rumble coverage for Pay-Per-View. It was pretty awesome, but Pay-Per-View never showed it cause its CEO was jealous of my giant dong.

What about the time you had that drag race with Macho Man Randy Savage for Elizabeth?
I was totally kicking Macho Man’s ass, but then this dude materialized in the seat next to me. I was like, “Whoa! You look like me. But you’re old and shit. And he was like, “Dude, I’m you from the year 2011. Can you let Macho Man win? He just died where I came from and he freakin rules.” And even though Macho Man does freakin rule, I was like, “I ain’t trying to win an Academy Award” and I totally beat Macho Man’s ass. After I made him watch me and Miss Elizabeth bonk each other, I was all like, “Listen up, dude. You rule and Slim Jims rule and having sex with Miss Elizabeth rules, but you’re gonna die in 2011. Sorry, dude.” And he was like, “Oh yeah! Whatever! Slap into a Slim Jim!” And then we all had a threesome. But Macho and I didn’t cross swords.

Could you take Chuck Norris in a street fight?
Hell yeah. I’d rip the pavement out of the ground and beat him over the head with it. Then I’d force him to watch the movie, Karate Cop, which would totally break his spirit once he realized that it was superior to every movie he had ever made except for Sidekicks.

Let's do a little word association:
Crowbar : Your face.
Condom: Difficult to fit over your face but I’ll manage.
Taco:  In your face!
Octopus: Attacking your face.
Aardvark: Attacking the Octopus that is attacking your face.
Lobster: Attacking your face, the octopus, the lobster, and being kind of a son of a bitch.
Hippopotamus: Stomping on your face.
Guacamole: That shit would taste good inside the other taco that I kept for myself instead of shoving it in your face because I’m hungry and shit.

What would you do if you were on the space shuttle and terrorists suddenly tried to take over?
I would blow the freakin space shuttle up and jump down to Earth and release my space parachute. This actually happened in 1986.

Any truth to the rumor that Baron Mayhem is your brother?

Nah, I don’t have a brother. I was grown in a secret underground lab, dipshit.

What's on the horizon for Rico Slade?
Gonna kill some dudes, save the planet, beat a kangaroo in a boxing match.

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